


Enough

by Aidaran



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Autism, Autistic Julian Bashir, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship/Love, Gen, Growing Up, M/M, Personal Growth, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-15 13:06:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29189769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aidaran/pseuds/Aidaran
Summary: Julian Bashir grew up knowing he was never enough in the eyes of his parents. In time, he started to believe they were right about him.A bit far from where he sat, adults talked about him as if he wasn't there. In a way, he wasn't. All his focus was on the toys. He'd been told to play, after all, and why wouldn't he do it?"His language is certainly delayed. He should already be able to say basic phrases, not just yes or no. He does understand when being talked to, but... He's way below average."Jules had no idea what all that meant, nor did he care.
Relationships: Amsha Bashir & Julian Bashir & Richard Bashir, Julian Bashir & Jadzia Dax, Julian Bashir & Miles O'Brien, Julian Bashir/Elim Garak
Comments: 22
Kudos: 83
Collections: Star Trek: Just in Time Fest





	Enough

**Author's Note:**

> A big thank you to Startravel, who beta'ed me and made sure everything was ok before posting!

**3 years old.**

Little Jules played with the toys he'd been given. He didn't like them; they were hard and pointy and the colors were all... Wrong. But his father had taken Kukalaka away to force him to play with what the doctor had given him. 

A bit far from where he sat, adults talked about him as if he wasn't there. In a way, he wasn't. All his focus was on the toys. He'd been told to play, after all, and why wouldn't he do it?

"His language is certainly delayed. He should already be able to say basic phrases, not just yes or no. He does understand when being talked to, but... He's way below average."

Jules had no idea what all that meant, nor did he care.

"Isn't what we're doing enough? He's been going through several therapies in the last few months." His mother's voice was sad, and that word, he knew it.  _ Enough _ . It was never said with kindness when it came to him. Usually grownups cried or complained when they used it.

He ordered the blocks, deciding they all were kids in a class, and the teacher had decided to put them in a line from shorter to taller.

"He still barely has language, and his symbolic game is basic too. I'm afraid no, the therapies are not enough just as it is. But we could try..."

Jules kept playing. He now decided the blocks were animals, all ordering themselves in line according to their colors. He had no idea what symbolic or language meant, but they seemed bad, considering how sad his mother seemed.

**4 years old.**

Jules covered his ears. Even though his parents were in another room, his dad's voice sounded like thunder, and his tone made him scared. It was the tone he used when he was being bad, although Jules never knew he'd been bad at things until his father got mad. It was terrifying.

"To give him more time? How much more time can we waste? It's obvious the therapies are not working on him!"

"He's being a bit slow, yes, but he's making progress. Maybe we can try something else, maybe... If we..." His mother sounded like she was crying. Jules wondered yet again what had he done to make her sad. She always cried, and sometimes she didn’t sleep. And Jules never knew what he’d done wrong.

"Not enough progress, not enough! They're saying he won't be able to attend a normal school if he keeps being delayed. It's not enough!"

**5 years old**

It all hurt. The lights, the sounds, even his mind voice. Everything was too much. 

Nurses and doctors came and went all the time, asking him questions and taking notes. He could barely answer, as his head seemed to be too full, too fast, too big for him. He felt his body was not enough to contain his brain.

**8 years old.**

"Why are we moving?" He hugged Kukalaka, stoically containing his tears. He knew father would be angry if he complained.

"Because you didn't do as I told you. I asked you to be discreet, not to show how much better you're. Now people are asking questions and we need to move. Again."

Yes, Jules knew sometimes being too much was not enough either. Too bad he still never knew until it was too late.

**15 years old.**

He read the files, feeling as the color drained from his face and cold ran through his spine. This was it. This was what had been done to him. Words danced in front of his eyes:  _ delayed. Autism. Semi-verbal. Attendance at crowded schools not recommended, suggested to home school him, at least until he develops further use of the language. _

_ Not enough progress in the social area. _

_ Not enough. _

_ Not enough. _

Not enough.

Then, underneath it, a description of the genetic therapy he'd received. He knew there was something off with his father's explanation of the treatment, but he'd never imagined he'd been tampered with so much. His intelligence, his agility, even his eyes had been changed that day.

"Jules was killed that day." He muttered to himself.

And still he felt whatever he did was not enough in the eyes of his father. And now, it was not enough on his eyes either.

**20 years old.**

He looked at his grades. 95/100. Perfect. He knew it by now, drawing attention over himself by being too perfect was a danger. Better to look just as flawed as he felt in the eyes of others. Always a lot, but never enough. Better to be the second best but keep his freedom.

**27 years old.**

“I didn't want some cushy job or a research grant. I wanted this. The farthest reaches of the galaxy. One of the most remote outposts available. This is where the adventure is. This is where heroes are made. Right here, in the wilderness.” Julian delivered his speech, in the hopes of impressing the Bajoran in front of him. Yes, certainly he was doing a big sacrifice. Maybe here he’d get the recognition he craved.

“This wilderness is my home.” Kira’s tone was frigid.

“Well, I, I, I didn't mean...”

"You can make yourself useful by bringing your Federation medicine to the natives. Oh, you'll find them a friendly, simple folk." Kira sneered at him, leaving him alone.

What was the use of his big, enhanced brain, if he wasn't even able to have a normal conversation? Yes, definitely the doctors had been right when they wrote all those reports about his diminished social abilities. No matter how hard he tried, it was never enough. Maybe his father should had paid for the full package when he enhanced him, since it was obvious certain areas had been left untouched and unfinished.

**32 years old.**

"I feel a bit bad about telling him he can't play with us in the holosuite." Julian looked back at the appalled ensign, small smile dancing on his lips. "We sounded like spoiled children."

"Are you crazy? We don't need any more people. It's more than enough with the two of us." Miles grabbed his shoulder and pulled him closer, patting it as they walked to their next adventure, arms around each other’s shoulders. "You did bring the hats, didn't you."

"Always."

"See? It's more than enough with the two of us to bring down the fortress."

**33 years old.**

"And you... You can't be in both?" Jadzia pouted at him.

"No, I'm afraid this time Worf booked me first, so I'll have to leave your party early." Julian smiled at her dismayed expression. She looked like a distraught child.

“But it's  _ my _ bachelor's party!"

"You won't even notice I'm not there. I'm not that important."

"Are you crazy? Of course I'll notice. All the station could come and strip dance for me and still it wouldn't be enough. I'd still miss my best friend."

**35 years old.**

“I'm sure we'll see each other again.” Julian felt his throat tighten at the idea of not sharing lunches with Garak again, of maybe not even seeing him again.

“I'd like to think so, but one can never say. We live in uncertain times.” Garak's expression was one of everything but happiness, the heaviness of what was to come already weighting on him. Of all that was to be demolished, rebuilt, changed, buried, unburied.

He turned to leave and then Julian stopped him by pulling his sleeve with urgency. This was it. This was him taking the biggest risk of his life, putting himself in the position where he could be hurt the most. He was never enough, never as smart or subtle or fun or wise, but... He'd rather live with a rejection than with cowardice. He didn't want to add that to his list of things he didn't like about himself.

"I may not be much but... I'd go with you, if you wanted me to. As whatever you'd want me to be to you. Friend, colleague, helping hand, willing ear, anything you need me to be. I'm not a lot aside from my surgical ability, but... I may be enough to help."

Time seemed to stop around them, and Julian wished he hadn't talked for a few seconds, that he'd rehearsed it, or said something different, more galant, less rushed. Less from his gut. He feared what was to come. Garak would politely refuse him, or maybe smile with pity, or even laugh, or...

Garak turned completely and faced him, taking his hand between both of his. "You're offering me a gift never in my dreams I hoped to receive, my dear doctor. I'd take you as everything you offered and more, but I'm afraid I'd never have enough of you if you came, so I'd insist on you moving in with me."

Julian gulped. It seemed too good to be true. Too much for him, for what he had to offer. "I'm not that much of a person, once you remove my degree."

"That's where you're wrong. You're much more than I could even hope to be, and you still don't see it."

"I've lived all my life knowing I wasn't enough for my parents, and I'm not enough for a society that frowns upon people like me. I know all of my shortcomings."

"I'm not your parents, and I feel nothing but admiration and love for who you are. You were always enough, and your offer to come with me is nothing but a gift."

"Is that a yes, then?"

"And a  _ please stay at my side _ , too."

"Forever?"

"Forever." 

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are love!


End file.
